Surprised by Joy

When I heard that phrase a moment or so ago the day wobbled a bit. 

Awareness catching me off guard, I was in truth, surprised by joy.  Not

like C. Lewis’s religious conversion nor Wordsworth’s tipover into grief, 

just a simple flash of knowing. Yes, knowing. In the midst of an ordinary

day doing ordinary things, feeding the dog I think, a flash of joy 

unattached to anything -- by itself, pure, sweet, ephemeral.  No trumpets

 fanfare  no fainting like some medieval saint I simply leaned against the

 table top for balance and placed the dog’s breakfast  on the floor where

 she could gobble it up, experiencing her joy.

The moment lengthened, stretched along a path of sunlight on the 

kitchen floor and faded slowly into a warmth I felt in my fingertips.

Living in the moment, that kingpin of Eastern thought I presumed to

understand, to search for and very occasionally achieve had suddenly

found me! I believe now that that is the way it does happen.

Understanding, searching for, achieving are words for actions that

 preclude an object or a place, a thing with a name.  Joy comes out of a

 moment like the “crack” of Jim Talone’s baseball bat, a feeling so far 

above the physical experience that let it happen.

Maybe it is a gift we give ourselves. Happiness, pleasure come from

achievement or awareness but joy splits our lives for a moment and lets

 the light stream in, cosseting, warming, not blinding but letting us SEE.

.                         

The Book of 90

A primer:

     First of all, of course, you have to get here. I’ve spent a lot of time and literally thousands of words chronicling that endeavor in the last few years. What a full, rich, adventurous journey it has been but a journey it is and so has a beginning and an end. In the beginning we stumble, stagger and flop about learning how to be, to handle what we call life. It comes without a primer so we write it as we go along. Unfortunately there is no Spell Check and some of us, find punctuation to be a thorny path.

     For those of us who do make it here, shouldn’t we be able to take charge a bit, as experts in the field? This time, couldn’t we write the instructions ahead of time, the How-tos?  Shouldn’t we?

                      I think I will.

1.      Have fun with it.

     “Next year, in six months, in a month and a half, next June 21^st I will be 90 years old!” 

  “No, I can’t believe it! I wouldn’t have thought – you don’t look it – wow,” turning to the next person in line, “Did you hear, look at her, she’s going to be 90!”

     It’s fun to shake up the Weight Watchers line, to come up with my overworked response, “People say I should ask for a recount!” Chuckle, chuckle.

       It is easier over the phone, “Next year, in six months, June 21^st ----       “Oh no. can’t be – you sound so young, so __”, and we are off again.

     I‘m embarrassed, yes, but we have to play the humor card when it comes, there’s not a lot of them of late, the deck is slimmer now.

2.     Show off.

This can be a perk.  People expect a certain amount of slippage in one at ninety:

Memory.  “I can’t remember, when was that, what do you mean, I don’t know which way to go.“  Brushing aside a momentary lapse or two, I can dazzle anyone with the really large supply of trivia I’ve collected over the years.  I even wow my children occasionally with some erudite bit of ‘knowing’.

Word finding difficulty.  Hem and haw a little, that’s natural at any age, but try a diversionary tactic, look across the room expectantly, “Oh, there’s Dottie – oops, sorry, she’s gone,” this as they turn their heads to see an old friend, “maybe it wasn’t her, anyway. Now, what were we talking about?” By this time you have recalled the word or if not, no problem, they have probably forgotten too.

 Tricks of the trade, tricks of the trade.  

      

3.     Be physical

This is more difficult, however, if you are lucky, like me there’s still a lot you can do. Skip quickly over those activities that no longer seem so easy, natural, like sprinting quickly, gracefully, up and down stairs. Show them instead how you can still sit cross-legged on the floor! Okay, at this point you can’t get up without help, but for a minute they are in awe. 

4.     Be eccentric

It goes without saying that having reached this lofty goal we are certainly entitled to be ourselves, unique, silly, noisy, messy free of constraints. Not as a protest, not a negative freedom, a positive, glowing acceptance of every used-to-be hidden aspect of our selves.  Surprise yourself with how bold, how scary and out of the box you can be!

Shock people? Disillusion some? Can’t be helped. No longer what they think or hope we are -- content with what we’ve learned, happy for the tattered bits and pieces of life we’ve carried with us. Let’s hear it for 90!

5.     Pontificate

Ah, this is the glory of being 90.  You can be the Sage, the giver of wisdom, the Pontificator. No one can argue, they haven’t been here yet!  A few of your age-compatriots will poke you in the ribs, sneak a knowing laugh and play the game with you! You deserve a little adulation, a few ooooooo’s and ahhhhhhh’s. You’ve worked hard to get where you are, put up with the pseudo-patience of people who whisper behind your back, “She’s really slipping, can’t remember, getting feeble….”.

Make grand pronouncements, tell how it is, revel in the age brings wisdom  game. 

This brings us back to the beginning --- Have fun with it!

6.     Celebrate

Make a great cake out of your favorite memories, big enough to hold all 90 candles. Ice it with the splendid years of being you, cut yourself a slice, a big one, taste it, lick your fingers to get every last sweet morsel.  There’s still more to come but, just now at this lovely pivot point; review, remember, treasure and enjoy.

A Primer should always have a summary and perhaps suggestions for “what comes next.”

Life

 Live it always to the fullest --- then just throw it away. It was a hoot, a roller coaster ride on a summer night, a long, lovely moment that you held in your hand, a drama, a comedy, a cliff-hanger that did not disappoint. There was always something else, down the road, around the corner. You’ve lived it, you’ve loved it -- now let it go…

        Empty,

       empty,

       empty…

so when it’s time to go the autumn breeze will just blow you away,

a leaf, crisp and full of color to lie in sweet surrender  on the cooling grass.