I have paid my dues

I’ve Paid My Dues

What a thought!

In 2 months and 3 days I shall be 90. I’ve been a little conflicted about that.  I have always liked the beginning of each decade, 40, 50, 60 -- because there is a good feeling of ten years ahead. I could almost see them stretching out, blooming, filled with living! Knowing, of course, there might be sadness, grief, fear but right there at the zero, top of the slide, the possibilities for growth and joy were always endless. They are there at all the turnings, 3s, 7s, 9s, on the age staircase but, for me, the naughts were always the most magical. 

Suddenly, here in my living room, drinking a small bare-bones side car, there was only ¾ of an ounce of brandy left, the thought came, all of whole, not in pieces, fully formed – I have paid my dues! 

Perhaps not ten this time but regardless of how many years ahead, I know I have done the best I could. After a lifetime of thinking I really didn’t measure up, I should have done more of this or less of that,  I could everyday have been a better person, kinder, more loving, less self-centered I suddenly know none of that is true.  I have done only what I am capable of and done it well.  Good or bad I have always stretched to fill the limits of what I am.

I took on living, made a promise with my first breath that grateful for the gift I would live it to the full. Years ago when I was young I wrote “out of the seed of my becoming I grew in my own image.” I’ve always wondered about that, why did I say that at the beginning of my life, what did I mean, why did it float through all my years just at the edge of knowing? Now I see that that is what happens with all of us, aware or unaware, we grow and fulfill the innate promise of who we are.

So grateful for the promise, free of judgement, accepting, honoring what was possible, drinking my side car ---  I HAVE PAID MY DUES.